I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
