Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
