what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
