I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
