Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
