You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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