Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
