I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
