dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
