two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
