you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she pinky promised me she was 18
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
