pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
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I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
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How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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