Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
