I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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