you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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