Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
