so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
