I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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