Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
