all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
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