How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
