I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
