woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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