i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
