literally had 100 drinks last night.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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