my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
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