The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
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