I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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