I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
