At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
