The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
