Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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