I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
tell me about the fingering
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