you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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