so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
