there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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