i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
