Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
being pregnant is like rehab
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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