My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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