Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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