You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
