Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
