i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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