I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize