sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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