It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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