Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
