Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
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I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
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Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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