sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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