I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she told me i tasted like america
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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