when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
