True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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