I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
People in love make me want to vomit
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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