in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
