my phone needs a breathalizer
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
