Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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